


The Potter Family Banter Centre

by nintendocialism



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Desi James, Extremism, F/M, Friends (tv show) discourse, Game of Thrones - Freeform, Horrible Histories - Freeform, Internet, James is a good bro, James is a mess, Lord of the Rings, Nicknames, Quite a bit of swearing, Racism, Social Media, Texting, The Jonas Brothers, b99 - Freeform, black remus, brooklyn nine nine - Freeform, fruit discourse, jane austen discourse, lily is a new student, nickname changes, over the whomping willow storyline, peter likes electricity, racist severus snape, remus becomes an activist, sirius is getting adopted and a happy bean, some hybrid fb/insta app, texting au, they all hate year 12s, thor ragnarok - Freeform, wanted to give remus some control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2019-11-21 19:25:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18146402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nintendocialism/pseuds/nintendocialism
Summary: Lily Evans joins the sixth form her childhood friend Severus (who visited family in Cokeworth during the holidays) now attends when her mum moves jobs. What she finds is a racist and a misogynist, but little does she know that some boys who she meets while waitressing at the local will quickly become her new best friends.





	1. pub?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GhostofBambi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostofBambi/gifts).



> So much love to the lovely and talented Sarah, who I adore. Many thanks to Georgia for being my witty reviewer and putting up with my ramblings. I really enjoyed the text fic format, not least because grammar was less of an issue... this is really just to make people laugh, so I hope you enjoy it!

jammy bastard _changed the chat name to_ sirius give me back my fucking parents

 

cheerful: no we’re camping and their phones are out of charge

 

mooncalf: lmao füle @jammy bastard you invite him into your life and he single white females ur whole fuckin routine

 

peatbog: pub?

 

mooncalf: i’m down

 

jammy bastard: yeah in 10?

 

cheerful: FUCK

 

\---

 

jammy bastard _to_ sirius give me back my fucking parents: that was gr8 laddi bois thank u for introducing me 2 the love of my life

 

peatbog: ??? Whomst?

 

mooncalf: seconded,,, pete and i were playing just dance

 

cheerful: there isn’t a wii at the pub so i know th@’s a fuckin lie

 

mooncalf: you don’t need a wii when just dance is in your soul

 

peatbog: you just know all the ladies were checking out us doing ra ra rasputin to no music in the middle of the crowded floor

 

cheerful: wow we really are the inbetweeners huh

 

mooncalf: srs don’t let ur yellow and red car roll into the lake while u and the potters sleep

 

jammy bastard: BACK TO ME

 

jammy bastard: a) srs i forgive u for taking my parents i know u like 2 bond w them

 

jammy bastard _changed the chat name to_ GET JAMES THE GINGER OF HIS DREAMZ

 

jammy bastard: b) i’m in love?????

 

peatbog: babe arent u always tho

 

mooncalf: spill romeo

 

jammy bastard: r u implying that i’m a ho

 

jammy bastard: ‘tis not a rosalind/juliet situation

 

peatbog: wait do u mean the ginger waitress

 

mooncalf: omg i loved her

 

mooncalf: she sang some boney m for us while we were at the best bit

 

peatbog: angel

 

jammy bastard: do u mean to imply that she saw u fuckin dancing

 

cheerful: pls dear god tell me she knows ur his friends ill screm

 

peatbog: ?? Obvs

 

peatbog: we said ‘look that’s jimbo what a sadsack’ and then pointed at him

 

peatbog: i realise now he was staring in our direction bc he was looking at her

 

jammy bastard _has left the chat_

 

cheerful _added_ james potter _to the chat_

 

cheerful _changed_ james potter _’s name to orphan_

 

mooncalf: personally i think her knowing you have two friends with such pure and intense charisma can only count in your favour

 

orphan: [video attachment]

 

orphan: i cant tell if ur being sarcastic abt ur dancing abilities but this is what u looked like u twats

 

peatbog: PURE SEXUAL CHARISMA

 

mooncalf: frankly surprised she didn’t jump both of us then and there


	2. form on a farm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been inspired by the fact that inexplicably my 6th form has a farm? Anyway, I like hearing the goats during French so I incorporated it...

james potter to sirius black: boyo when shalt thou return w mine own 2 (two) parents

 

sirius black: like 5 minutes put the kettle on u lump

 

james potter: o

 

james potter: so ur really just gonna steal my parents from my house during my holiday from my house in the holiday and take my parents

 

james potter: and then what treat me like ur maid?

 

sirius black: i have not seen civilised conveniences in too long jimbo boil that heckin water

 

james potter: uve been gone 24 hours but go off ig

 

sirius black: did u ever find out that waitress’ name

 

james potter: nay but i shall returneth next weekend and see if she’s there

 

james potter: ugh pads she was like??? Perfection,,, adored her

 

james potter: so obvs i took my book to the bar bc u can’t just not take ur own entertainment when rem and pete do their own dancing

 

sirius black: obviously

 

james potter: and she was like,, omg persuasion? And then we had a chat about wentworth and then she was like im so sorry id love to stay but duty calls and then she kept looking at me or coming back to check where i was sjdkdlssll

 

sirius black: odd that uve never seen her before i thought we knew every1 in this godforsaken town 

 

james potter: i mean i thought it was quite nice but i hear the car coming in so ill start making tea, see u in a bit broski

 

\---

 

petey petty to mcgonagall fan club: guess who moved here and is in my form?

 

wolfman: whomst

 

petey petty: waitress 

 

jimerillo: ???????????????

 

jimerillo: sjdkskslslsl

 

siriarse: u broke james

 

siriarse: what’s her name

 

petey petty: lily evans

 

petey petty: also year 13, taking lit, french and history

 

jimerillo: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

siriarse: i saw his eyes dilate from the other side of the room

 

wolfman: it remains a mystery how you 2 r still in form together

 

siriarse: oh im not they moved me im now next door but i ran to check on jimbos reaction

 

wolfman: commitment

 

wolfman: i remain far away in c corridor

 

wolfman: a modern tragedy

 

petey petty: i wish we all had form on the farm

 

jimerillo: okay a) mood love that for us

 

jimerillo: b) im conscious of annoying u but can u see her timetable like whose lit and history is she in

 

petey petty: sirius can u restrain him from where u are bc she’s in james’

 

siriarse: This is Professor McGonagall. Kindly get James to inform his parents that Sirius’ phone has been confiscated due to his blatant disregard for the basic rules of Form Time.

 

jimerillo: ,,,,, is that not incredibly unprofessional of you

 

siriarse: Yes.


	3. adoption, fish and chips

Lily Evans _has requested to follow you._

 

\---

 

jamulus _to_ fathers of rome and also algernon the cat: [picture attachment]

 

jirius: big oof

 

jemus: a) still mad about this nickname,,, my name literally is the original name

 

jemus: b) seconded. One could even go as far as to call it a phat oof

 

jeter (derek): james r u breathing bb

 

jamulus: !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

jemus: does jam know what fuckin letters are anymore

 

jeter (derek): but he uses punctuation so well and to such effect

 

jirius: i bet its just cos it wd be rude not to

 

jirius: i mean she’s requested everyone she’s in subject chats w right??

 

jirius: i got one from our french gc

 

jamulus: :(((((((

 

jamulus: heartless binch

 

jamulus: this shall ne’er be forgiv’n nor forgot

 

jamulus: also wot’s 4 t

 

\---

 

james potter _to_ Euphemia Potter: what’s for tea, dearest mother mine?

 

Euphemia Potter: ask your father he’s getting takeaway

 

james potter: ??? Who r u

 

\---

 

james potter _to_ Fleamont Potter: padre what’s for dinnerrrrrrrrr

 

Fleamont Potter: fish and chips. Have a lovely day at school x

 

james potter: luv u <3

 

\---

 

james potter _to_ sirius potter: i think mum and dad are getting fish and chips to celebrate formalising the adoption? cant decide which im more excited for - my new official brother or the chips

 

james potter: kidding its u and always u ilysm <3 <3 <3 <3

 

sirius potter: ur on thin fuckin ice

 

sirius potter: ilysm2 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3


	4. 30% food motivation

Lily Evans _to_ james potter: hi james! is there any lit/history homework for next week? Sorry to ruin your friday night, i think i left my planner somewhere x

 

james potter: no! Haha np, i’m not doing much, we’re having a sort of celebration for sirius

 

Lily Evans: oh, your brother? Is it his birthday? Tell him joyeux anniversaire from me :))

 

james potter: we’re actually celebrating his formal adoption! What’s the french for that?

 

Lily Evans:...

 

Lily Evans: joyeuse adoption? Haha :)

 

\---

 

Lily Evans _to_ Remus Lupin: heyo remus, hope you don’t mind you messaging you! X

 

Remus Lupin: of course not! What can I do for you? Are you settling in okay?

 

Lily Evans: haha no there’s nothing! Except explaining why your friend james wants to know the french for adoption but i do get that slightly charming odd vibe from him… just thought you seemed nice and i’m trying to make friends

 

Remus Lupin: classic jimbo

 

Remus Lupin: sweet but odd

 

Remus Lupin: and um,, of course I’d love to be friends?! Have you got many yet? I know it’s a fairly big school and you seem like a lovely person so I’m sure you’ll have zero problems :)

 

Lily Evans: that’s the thing, i had to move here halfway through a levels for my mums job and i moved here knowing my childhood friend would be so i felt fairly secure

 

Lily Evans: but i show up here and he’s into some,, not gr8 political stuff... He made some off colour comments so i confronted him about it when i was over there this evening and he was um

 

Remus Lupin: hey no you don’t have to say if you don’t want to! If you need someone to vent to feel free to hmu but don’t feel like you have to spill :)

 

Lily Evans: no dw! I wanna chat… he just didnt react well so i stormed off and left my planner there. I messaged james for the hw but like,, he was the guy sev was angry about me being in the same classes with like i could help it??

 

Remus Lupin: oh no babey what is you doing

 

Remus Lupin: ur childhood friend is severus snape? 

 

Remus Lupin: SORRY THAT WAS SO RUDE

 

Remus Lupin: all i mean is i remember young sev and he could be quite cool, i remember he had a good imagination, so i totally see how you guys were friends but nO get the hell out now he is in deep w some incels

 

Remus Lupin: had no clue you guys were friends! Sorry for the unsolicited advice (and degeneration into shitty grammar)

 

Lily Evans: no, thank u! I mean uh thats not great but at least i know like a week in before we could get rly close right?

 

Remus Lupin: no ofc! Come hang w me and my friends whenever u want, we’d be lucky to have u!!

 

\---

 

Remus Lupin _to_ james potter: okay i see now why u were worried about snape and lily like i didnt get it

 

Remus Lupin: but also i told her he was a greasy lil incel and also to come and hang out with us if she wanted

 

james potter: <3 <3 <3 <3 hello is that god i didnt know ur name was remus lupin? Anyway i love u im coming back to temple

 

Remus Lupin: don’t u always go anyway

 

james potter: but its 30% food motivated mum makes me sweets after

 

james potter: now its gonna be 100% faith related

 

james potter: but srsly rem i adore u


	5. a group of 4

ratboi _to_ endgame will end me: why am i a rat

 

do not EVER call me ross again: i was druncc

 

siri: james flea is gonna kill u

 

wingmaño ultimo: id rather be ratboi than this spanish monstrosity

 

do not EVER call me ross again: diluted whisky looks like whisky right

 

siri: [picture attachment]

 

ratboi: that looks like piss

 

do not EVER call me ross again: omg its bc u said something that reminded me of rattus rattus i remember now

 

ratboi: that is NOT 100% accurat

 

ratboi: unlike my rendition of the charles ii rap

 

ratboi: [video attachment]

 

siri: u have my adulation

 

wingmaño ultimo: and my sword

 

do not EVER call me ross again: and my bow

 

siri: lotr marathon at ours?

 

\---

 

merry _to_ YOU SHALL NOT PASS: im much happier with this arrangement than ratboi

 

pippin: it’s certainly easier to type than spanish

 

frodo: honestly im loving this whole naming ourselves after famous groups of four

 

sam: but does frodo have a huge and obvious crush on a ginger waitress?

 

frodo: im telling bilbo aka flea that u said that

 

\---

 

thor  _to_ taika waititi is a daddy: you know im happier with this than merry

 

bruce: sorry? Cant hear u from inside my personal hot tub

 

grand master: I RULE SAKAAR

 

loki: i mean euphemia told me the other day that you don't even have effective control of your own lock 

 

bruce: my mother deserves the world


	6. just dance for seating privileges

Lily Evans _to_ james potter: hi james! So i just wanted to ask you about what you think of severus?

 

james potter: yikes

 

james potter: no thank u

 

james potter: full stop

 

\---

 

Remus Lupin _to_ james potter: tf did u say to lily

 

james potter: [picture attachment]

 

Remus Lupin: u fool u shd tread lightly

 

Remus Lupin: she’s trying to figure out whats happened to him since they were kids and how best to distance herself

 

Remus Lupin: congrats. U played urself

 

\---

 

james potter _to_ Lily Evans: hey lily, i’m sorry for being so brusque earlier! i’ve certainly had my issues with him so i didn’t handle that particularly maturely. Essentially my mother is indian and greek and my dad’s mum was indian and let’s just say snape is,,, not a fan of my skin or my parents. There’s been egg on the car, hate taped to my locker, comments shouted in the street. All Bad Things (as 1066 and all that would say)

 

Lily Evans: oh james im so sorry if i seemed angry! That’s so awful that that happened, it’s inexcusable and disgusting. Ive not wanted to believe what i hear about sev. Theres a lot going on w me w a new home and a bitchy sister and now im struggling to let go of my past sev, but now i know that i can safely say there’ll be minimal association from here on out! Mind if i come sit with u guys every so often?

 

james potter: haha of course not!

 

\---

 

bruce _to_ taika waititi is a daddy: [picture attachment]

 

bruce: sjskskslslsl

 

thor: wow u pretending u have some semblance of chill is my new fave thing

 

\---

 

Lily Evans _to_ sirius potter: nonjour mon ami

 

Lily Evans: BONJOUR*

 

Lily Evans: lmao no day to you my friend

 

Lily Evans: anyway, im just checking that you guys would be okay if i came to sit with you for a while?

 

sirius potter: oui oui mon amie

 

sirius potter: je m’appELLE LAFAYETTE

 

Lily Evans: THE LANCELOT OF THE REVOLUTIONARY SET

 

Lily Evans: peak

 

Lily Evans: can’t wait we’re gonna piss them off so much

 

sirius potter: i eagerly anticipate your arrival

 

\---

 

Lily Evans _to_ petergrew: hey pete! I know we dont know each other all that well but i wanted to see if you’d be on board w me sitting w u guys sometimes?

 

petergrew: ya sure

 

petergrew: u do have to play me at just dance for seating privileges tho

 

Lily Evans: um okay????? Ur on


	7. open warfare (aka lily joins the group chat)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many apologies for the massive gap! I've had mocks and revision and it's all been a mare...

james potter  _ created a new chat _

 

james potter  _ added  _ Lily Evans, sirius potter, Remus Lupin  _ and _ petergrew

 

james potter  _ changed the chat name to  _ booth brothers

 

james potter: lads welcome to warfare

 

sirius potter: do u mean the year 12s

 

james potter: hell yeah i do u know me so well :*

 

sirius potter: ;)

 

Remus Lupin: is this the booth thing again

 

petergrew: they have a point there’s v limited space and also y12s do Not Deserve Rights

 

Lily Evans: i hate all of them indiscriminately

 

Remus Lupin: that is fair i do as well

 

\---

 

hay fever  _ to  _ open warfare: [link attachment]

 

succubus: omg u guys

 

succubus: we made it to the bulletin

 

romulus: ugh im weeping

 

petrov: v proud of the electric shocks

 

succubus: u should be i mean having them set off by lynx was just??? Bde

 

petrov: u cant see it but im doing a victory just dance rn

 

joffrey: i just liked seeing all the athleisure burning

 

joffrey: best day of my life

 

joffrey: i luv u all :’*

 

hay fever: <3

 

\---

 

jaffa cake  _ to  _ jeff goldblum: GUYS SHE SENT A FICJFK HEART SJSJSKSLL

 

petra from jane the virgin: isnt this group chat like,,, dead

 

rosa diaz: apparently not

 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  _ changed the chat name to  _ ig this is james’ love life huh

 

jaffa cake: u have a p r o b l e m with that sweaty????

 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°): yes but yanno i can always mute this

 

jaffa cake: u wdnt dare

 

jaffa cake: remus??

 

petra from jane the virgin: remus?

 

rosa diaz: reMUS!?!?


	8. fruity fiends

Lily Evans  _ to  _ james potter: whats ur fave meme

 

james potter: anything where u label stuff as other stuff like distracted boyfriend

 

james potter: but like more advanced

 

james potter: good times to be had by all

 

Lily Evans: ahaha mood 

 

Lily Evans: i really like cornn flaek

 

james potter: thats it im getting u cornflakes for ur birthday but u gotta do the cornflaek pose

 

Lily Evans: but jim

 

Lily Evans: that’s my standard posture

 

\---

 

Lily Evans  _ to  _ james potter: whats ur favourite austen this is v important

 

james potter: p&p obvs

 

james potter: u?

 

_ This message could not be sent. This user has blocked you. _

 

\---

 

lemon  _ to  _ fruity fiends: guys whats ur fave austen and also james i unblocked u

 

jojoba: I SAID WHAT I SAID

 

strawberry: anna karenina

 

lemon: ???? Tolstoy boi

 

strawberry: i too, have said what i said

 

raisin: emma

 

peach: whats a book? I only know science

 

peach: but fr my fave book is good omens and ive never read austen

 

\---

 

Lily Evans  _ has invited your chat to  _ watching good omens when it comes out on prime  _ on the 31st May _

 

peach: ily 

 

\---

 

jojoba  _ to  _ fruity fiends: where’s algernon

 

lemon: [picture attachment]

 

jojoba: why is my cat at ur house

 

lemon: the heart wants what it wants

 

lemon: the cat goes where it goes


	9. the jonas brothers are back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this fic is sort of plotless and niche but I wrote it to cheer up my friend in, like, one evening! If you have any feedback on any of it please leave some. Plot will be introduced soon! The whomping willow storyline is, for me, difficult, as Snape was so clearly awful yet Sirius should objectively not have got involved as he did. In this story, I attempt to give Remus the chance to control the narrative and rise above it, and I also wanted to give the Marauders the diversity JK Rowling so obviously lacked. I also wanted to remove any white saviour overtones from it, as I hope will become very evident in the epilogue! Nevertheless, I am still white, so if any POC readers take issue with my treatment of these themes/how the characters handle the situation please let me know immediately so I can remedy it! :))

charles boyle: guys s5 is out do u wanna come over i have popcorn aplenty i have literally never been so excited

 

amy santiago: im literally already walking to urs pete thank u sm for the invite

 

charles boyle: np!!! Cant wait!!

 

rosa diaz: got my knife and leather jacket (and ive re-donned my personal fave nickname ive ever had)

 

jake peralta: sirius has no knife but we’re both on our way

 

captain holt: i too am travelling to your house. Cheddar accompanies me.

 

amy santiago: why am i amy and james is jake

 

captain holt: viNDICATIONNNNNNNNN

 

jake peralta: ????

 

captain holt: bOOOOONE???

 

\---

 

james potter  _ to  _ Remus Lupin: haha thank u for naming us that ily

 

Remus Lupin: i am wingmaño ultimo

 

\---

 

inigo montoya  _ to _ you killed my father prepare to die: i hope u fuckers know that the man who killed my father had 6 fingers on his left hand

 

wesley: i am the dread pirate roberts

 

fezzig: why am i andré the giant

 

buttercup: remus its a compliment

 

fezzig: true

 

peter (cook): MAWWIAGE

 

buttercup: and wUV! TWUE WUV

 

\---

 

lillian  _ to _ sergeant pepper’s bronely heart club: UGH SJSKSLSLL

 

joe jonas: what’s up lil? Can we help?

 

lillian: cheers james its just shsjskfuckkinnn snape aGAIN

 

lillian: guckin followoj me thru the corrisors like some kidns creeppppp

 

nick jonas: r u okay

 

kevin jonas: yeah that was lowkey unintelligible

 

jonas jonas (the lesser known 4th brother): nonce

 

lillian: yes thank u sirius 

 

lillian: 100% accurat

 

nick jonas: omg lily celtic boast battle might make u feel better

 

lillian: peter my sweet summer child

 

lillian: im always up for a horrible histories sing off w u

 

joe jonas: o 

 

joe jonas: snape is 10/10 that wanker who drowned in shit during stupid deaths 

 

lillian: lmaooooooooo

 

joe jonas: also fitting w the jonas brothers theme…

 

joe jonas  _ changed _ lillian _ ’s name to  _ sophie turner

 

nick jonas: um if she’s duetting w me it should be 

 

nick jonas  _ changed  _ sophie turner _ ’s name to  _ priyanka chopra

 

joe jonas: hahahaha yeah.

 

joe jonas: but she’s ginger so um i vote sophie

 

priyanka chopra: actually i prefer arya

 

kevin jonas: tea

 

jonas jonas (the lesser known 4th brother): when did remus get so deeply ingrained in twitter language

 

kevin jonas: i have a secret meme account w over 15k followers but go off ig

 

joe jonas: lmao bullshit

 

kevin jonas: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

 

kevin jonas: r u sure

 

joe jonas: shit rly

 

nick jonas: omg r u common sad girl

 

jonas jonas (the lesser known 4th brother): ARE U DOG RATES

 

priyanka chopra: ARE YOU SHE RATES DOGS?????

 

kevin jonas  _ changed  _ priyanka chopra _ ’s name to _ ill tell u later bb

 

ill tell u later bb: im thinking of sending in all the messages snape sends me from all his doss accounts 

 

joe jonas: do it omg pls p l e a s e

 

ill tell u later bb: idk i think maybe i need to keep my side of the road clean 


	10. the plot thickens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is where I'm beginning to introduce some plot and stop doing so many stupid pop culture references! Again, please let me know if my treatment is insensitive/insufficient.

jelly  _ to  _ breakfast is the most important meal of the day: guys we H A V E  to do something about snape, poor lily

 

peanut butter: i can electrocute him but like,, he doesn’t wear lynx. Or any fragrance that isnt grease

 

sireal bar: why tf have u spelt cereal like this

 

sireal bar: but also yes im so down for this hes in my politics and he is The Worst

 

roast dinner: i also agree

 

roast dinner: but james and peter clearly wanted to be peanut butter and jelly and couldnt think of stuff for us which is why weve ended up like this ig

 

jelly: irrelevant

 

jelly: also sirius where r u

 

sireal bar: at work u doofus

 

jelly: ??? uncalled for

 

sireal bar: ive literally had this job since i moved in with u

 

sireal bar: unlike u u lump

 

peanut butter: where do u work i didnt know u did that

 

sireal bar: miniature railway

 

roast dinner: r u thinking what im thinking

 

jelly: ??

 

sireal bar: ??

 

peanut butter: ??

 

roast dinner: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

\---

 

Remus Lupin  _ to  _ Lily Evans: do u wanna come to the miniature railway to piss off sirius

 

Lily Evans: yes

 

Lily Evans: what kinda question

 

\---

 

petergrew  _ to  _ Lily Evans: btw im sorry if i was rude by changing ur name to priyanka i didnt want to be presumptuous it was just a joke!

 

Lily Evans: peter u silly of course not! Dont be so anxious, im fine and ur lovely. Stop apologising for things when u know j+s are significantly worse :p

 

petergrew: thank u

 

petergrew: xxx

 

\---

 

Remus Lupin  _ to _ petergrew: im so mad

 

petergrew: what? Why? R u okay?

 

Remus Lupin: UGHHHHHHHH 

 

Remus Lupin: snape called me the n word in b corridor today

 

Remus Lupin: told me to move aside, shoved me, called me that

 

Remus Lupin: im going to report him

 

petergrew: remus you really have to 

 

Remus Lupin: yes im drafting the email now x

 

\---

 

[r.lupin@hogwarts.net](mailto:r.lupin@hogwarts.net) _to_[ m.mcgonagall@hogwarts.net](mailto:m.mcgonagall@swchs.net)

 

Dear Professor,

 

I am writing to notify you of an incident that occurred today in school, in which Severus Snape called me the n word and physically assaulted me. I hope this incident will be taken seriously, as I know the school strives for acceptance and I would be incredibly upset if the school views this leniently as this is exactly the kind of abuse we see on the rise. As someone who fears for the day we see a rise of this terrifying extremism, it would pain me deeply to see that this is not dealt with in a way that stems its development. Thank you in advance,

 

Remus Lupin

 

\---

 

[m.mcgonagall@hogwarts.net](mailto:m.mcgonagall@hogwarts.net) _to_[ r.lupin@hogwarts.net](mailto:r.lupin@hogwarts.net)

 

Dear Mr Lupin,

 

Thank you for your measured and intelligent response. We have, of course, taken your information on board and I am pleased (in some ways) to inform you that enough other students have been in contact to necessitate my recommendation to Professor Dumbledore that the student in question should be expelled. Please keep this information to yourself until such a time as it is made public, but please rest assured that every effort shall be made to stem the deplorable tide of extremism in this young man.

 

Yours very sincerely and apologetically,

Professor McGonagall

 

\---

 

sirius potter  _ to  _ Remus Lupin: im gonna kill him i really am

 

sirius potter: never fear

 

Remus Lupin: sirius thank u sm but im just gonna report it, dont want you getting in trouble as well. I need to keep out of it and keep my nose clean

 

sirius potter: fine

 

sirius potter: ily moons


	11. oh dear

sirius potter _created a new chat_

 

sirius potter _added_ james potter _and_ petergrew

 

sirius potter: k heres what were gonna do

 

sirius potter _called the group_ halloween railway bonanza

 

\---

 

Lily Evans _to_ sirius potter: sirius what the hell have you done

 

Lily Evans: [link attachment]

 

\---

 

**THE EASTERN EYE**

 

**Student nearly murdered in cruel prank**

 

On the night of the 31st October, Severus Snape, 17, was invited out to the local miniature railway by an account he thought was his dear friend Lily Evans. Thinking it was a date to the Halloween Horrorshow, he eagerly boarded the Ghost Train alone (following ‘Lily’s’ instructions) only to be stranded in the middle of the tunnel. Upon disembarking to discover what had gone wrong, he discovered the train speeding at him. Narrowly escaping with his life, the young man is shaken and upset. We spoke with him about his experience yesterday.

 

‘I’m hurt, upset, and I feel unfairly victimised. I’ve not done anything to deserve this, but I know students have a grudge against me because of my academic success. So I know who did it,’ he informed us, levelling the accusation at one Sirius Potter, also 17, and his friends James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. Sirius Potter is known to work at the railway. Investigation continues during the hectic Halloween season.

 

\---

 

sirius potter _to_ Lily Evans: he got what he deserved for what he did to you and remus. Also the train was going at 1mph what a sad sack

 

Lily Evans: what he deserved?????

 

Lily Evans: wait what did he do to remus?

 

\---

 

Lily Evans _posted a photo_ : happy halloween from me, dorcas, mary and marly!

 

Severus Snape _commented_ : lily i cannot believe you have been complicit in their plotting. I could have died.

 

Lily Evans _commented_ : @hbp i’m genuinely sorry severus, i never meant for this to happen. I wasn’t complicit in any of this.

 

james potter _commented_ : lookin hot evans! @hbp don’t you dare act all innocent

 

Severus Snape _commented_ : fuck off @prongs i detest you and your stupid fucking friends. @lils_ev i despise you you heartless c**t

 

_This comment has been reported for further investigation._

 

\---

 

sirius potter _to_ Lily Evans: he called remus the n word

 

Lily Evans: shit

 

\---

 

Severus Snape _to_ Lily Evans: i’m desperately sorry lily. I never meant it. At all. I got so angry at potter and his stupid friends but i never meant to hurt you at all

 

Lily Evans: dont talk to me ever again

 

Severus Snape: i love you

 

_This message could not be sent. This user has blocked you._

 

\---

 

james potter _to_ Lily Evans: heard you blocked snape. Good move

 

_This message could not be sent. This user has blocked you._

 

james potter: lily?????????

 

_This message could not be sent. This user has blocked you._


	12. the actual appearance of the potter family group chat

Lily Evans  _ to  _ Remus Lupin: im so so sorry to hear about what snape said to you. He completely deserved what he got at the miniature railway and im so desperately sorry that i was ever friends with him in the first place xx

 

Remus Lupin: thank u xxx

 

Remus Lupin: you’re the best

 

Remus Lupin: i hate to ask though, why did you block james?

 

Lily Evans: smug bastard i just can’t talk to him right now. He seemed to take pleasure from it. Hes totally right abt snape but i felt he needed some punishment

 

Remus Lupin: i get it x

 

\---

 

[m.mcgonagall@hogwarts.net](mailto:m.mcgonagall@hogwarts.net) _to_[ euphemia@potter.co.uk](mailto:euphemia@potter.co.uk)

 

Dear Mrs Potter, 

 

As you are Sirius and James’ mother, I must inform you that our investigation has yielded the fact that the boys (as well as Peter Pettigrew) were the ones to pull this prank on Severus Snape on Halloween night. We regret to inform you that school protocol requires that we suspend them for one week and continue detention every lunchtime for one month after that. This will be going on your sons’ permanent record, and I request that you divulge this to them in order that they recognise the severity of the consequences.

 

Yours Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall.

 

P.S. Whether I believe that Mr Snape deserved his punishment is, unfortunately, irrelevant.

 

\---

 

Euphemia Potter  _ to  _ The Potter Family Banter Centre: sirius, james, come down here now.

 

sirius potter: okay maman

 

Fleamont Potter: i can confirm that this is no laughing matter. Meet us in the kitchen.

 

\---

 

james potter _ to _ sirius potter: wow can u believe mum and dad didnt even ground us for a whole month

 

sirius potter  _ to  _ james potter: woke queens

 

\---

 

Lily Evans  _ to  _ sirius potter: heard u got suspended

 

Lily Evans: too right for going against what me and remus wanted

 

Lily Evans: nevertheless if u come to the queens head tonight i think i can rustle up some drinks for you 4

 

sirius potter: what are you gonna let me bring james

 

Lily Evans: sure. Dont tell him i want him here though i have a surprise 

 

sirius potter: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Lily Evans: ;)

 

sirius potter: !!!!!

 

\---

 

james potter  _ to  _ lily evans: sirius cannot keep a secret to save his life

 

james potter: and while im slightly gone on pres i have to say this

 

james potter: im glad u want me there tonight. Lily, i really like you. I have since i met you. Youre beautiful, intelligent, kind, principled, idealistic and you have made my friends so happy and understood. I cant imagine life without you and i never want to be blocked by u again. Youre the perfect woman

 

Lily Evans: …

 

Lily Evans: get here right now 

 

Lily Evans: and for what its worth, right back at you <3

 

\---

 

polly pocket  _ to  _ pub gang: [picture attachment]

 

rolly rocket: oi oiiiiiiiii

 

sally socket: rem how drunk are you

 

rolly rocket: on a scale of oi to oiiiiii its gotta be a solid oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

 

polly pocket: um guys back to me?

 

polly pocket: jily are snogging 

 

jolly jacket: ;)))))))))))))

 

lolly locket: ;)))))))))))))))))

 

jolly jacket: arrivederci fuckers i shall see you on the morrow

 

sally socket: did they just leave 

 

rolly rocket: gROSS

 

polly pocket: wait lily ur shift isnt over!!!!!!

 

lolly locket: you and sirius can cover it to make up for what you did to me and remus

 

polly pocket: um how will james make it up

 

lolly locket: ;))))))))

 

rolly rocket: pete why the fuck did u ask

 

rolly rocket: also i dont want him making it up to me in that same way

 

jolly jacket: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	13. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me through the group chat fiasco! Hope you enjoyed it and please do not hesitate to feedback about my writing as I am fully aware that it will likely be riddled with faults!

**THE DAILY PROPHET (London Edition)**

 

**Student kicked out of** **Hogwarts begins spate of expulsions for extremism and an increase in funding to combat it**

 

The budget for combating extremism in young people has been increased by £2 million in the south east and by £10 million nationally, the NHS and Home Office revealed today in a joint press conference.

 

A student from Hogwarts, the prestigious academy known for cultivating academic excellence in children from all backgrounds, was expelled in early November following charges of racially aggravated incidents in his school. One of the students he verbally abused has spoken out about his experiences to become a spokesperson for young people affected by a rise in internet extremism.

 

Remus Lupin, 18, has had a meteoric rise since Severus Snape’s expulsion 8 months ago. Speaking to us exclusively, he has revealed that the infamous ‘train incident’ of Halloween, known nationwide for its ruthless ingenuity, was in fact carried out by his friends in response to the racial abuse he received in the hallways of his school.

 

‘Whilst I refuse to condone my friends’ frankly ridiculous overreaction, I cannot regret the light it has brought from all areas of the UK on the dangers of online radicalisation. I am glad that Snape received consequences for his history of racial and misogynistic abuse, both online and off, but I am also deeply grateful that the government is ready to pledge so much money to ensuring that the mistakes of youth are tackled and that atonement is possible. I remember a friendship with him in my youth, and I hope that all those we may lose to this scourge can return to us wiser and cannier about the dangers of the internet.’

 

We commend the efforts of Mr Lupin and his friends in fighting the rise of extremism amongst their generation, and only hope that their future will be the brighter for it. We reached out to their deputy headmistress Minerva McGonagall for comment, and what she says encourages us deeply.

 

‘I am prodigiously proud of each and every one of them.’


End file.
